(the science could be thrown off by the fact smart kids do homework faster, and slower kids take longer, which is the common sense adjustment). But that doesn't mean don't give any homework at all, necessarily. One of the things the science says is that in elementary school years, there's no correlation between amount of time spent doing homework and results on achievement tests at the end of the year (doing homework, however, for a specific class does help a child do better in that class itself). Just last night, I was re-reviewing all the science on homework, vs some of the gut guesses and common sense about homework. If you freak out, then they become more reluctant to tell you about the bigger problems. There it gets to what specifically is going on - the key with older kids is that they test you with small problems. And in that case, some of it is about protecting the relationship, but some of it is also about them believing there are some parts of their life that they are entitled to keep private - they just don't have to tell you. And they don't want to get punished.Īnother twist for older kids - only 25% of a teen's lies are straight to your face lies - instead they are usually lies of omission. Younger kids usually lie because they want to make the caregiver happy - they want to tell you what they think you want to hear.įor adolescents - according to Oberlin College's Nancy Darling, most teens say they lie to parents because they don't want to damage the relationship - they don't want you to think less of them.

But in matters of safety, or applying to college, they might really want your input and help. It's important to note that many teens feel that using an itouch is sorta a personal domain, which should be none of their parent's business, and it's psychologically emasculating to feel the hovering there. Parents who are encouraging their teen's autonomy (in certain spheres) are usually rewarded with more honesty in other spheres. The science says it's not just about having rules and enforcing them - you must do some of that, but in other domains of their life you must 1) trust them with responsibility, and 2) do everythign you can to make it clear you are encouraging them to take good risks, get out in the world, and attempt to be an adult. Sounds like the teen you speak of has developed a habit. Thanks, re: reading our book twice! (ashley and I are equal partners in this).įrom your examples (itouch, earbuds, 1:30 am) it sounds like you're talking about a teen, and a teen has plenty of memory/working memory, and at that age it's not at all about cognitive ability (that's only relevant around age 2 to 4 yrs old).

NurtureShock by Po Bronson